On a recent trip away in Mexico I was reminded how the basic principles of zero negativity in relationship I teach couples in the initial sessions of couples therapy in Bristol that can be applied to avoid potential ruptures maintaining safety and deepening connection. On arrival at the accommodation we had booked in there was a slight musty smell in the room, which my partner found disturbing.
I was fine with it for a few days, thought we could make do and offered a solution by moving the bed. The internal story I was telling myself was that my partner was precious / oversensitive and making a meal out of it. I began to feel a trigger rising in me as my partners discomfort clashed with the childhood programming I had received and was still running in the background. I could feel unspoken tension and opposing energies rising in the space between which felt increasingly uncomfortable for both of us.
It then came to me to practice more of the couples therapy I preach , rather than to "be right", to judge and create conflict I began to really listen to my partner. She has expressed that she does not feel comfortable or safe sleeping in this damp room in a remote part of the jungle. Weather I agree with her or not is not the point. Its about hearing and validating her experience and offering support to a solution that will return a sense of safety. As soon as I aligned with my therapeutic techniques I mirrored her objection to the room, validated her experience and offered that I would happily support finding another room in town with no damp that feels safe to her.
Immediately I spoke the words the energy shifted the tension lifted, she smiled, let out a sigh of relief and we were back on the same team enjoying the benefits of a deeper connection. We cancelled the damp room and booked a replacement that turned out to be far superior better located and almost half the price despite booking it 2 hours before arrival, happy days.
The point I wish to share now safely home in Bristol is that, as with the zero negativity commitment re put downs, exits, riducule etc., Its all about safety. Maintaining safety in relationship is not just about not shouting or hitting , its about honouring the one who feels unsafe, particularly when we don’t share their concerns. In doing so we avoid creating unnecessary ruptures or conflict, deepen our connection and align to receive blessings from the universe.
The next time your partner expresses a concern you don’t share listen, validate and support their perspective and see what blessings are bestowed upon you.
Learn. heal. grow with Matthew.
Conscious Couples Therapist in Bristol.